My grandma came to visit for nearly three weeks during Christmas. She is 82, has Alzheimer’s, and mostly raised me. She’s more like a parent to me than a grandparent. Having her here reminded me of important things I learned as a kid, how far I’ve come, in what ways I still fall short.
As a kid I was taught by her the fine art of having no opinion. “Anything is fine with me.”
You know what not having an opinion does for you? It isn’t polite, it isn’t self-sacrificing.
It is damned annoying.
Try going to a restaurant and having someone refuse to pick something to eat. Does she not see anything she likes? Would she rather eat somewhere else? Is she mad about something else and being passive aggressive? Why won’t she just say what she wants or what her problem is? Just pick something!
This is how I picture her: “Don’t mind me. I have two jelly beans and a thumbtack. I could eat for days off of this. Don’t worry yourself with me…”
It doesn’t make things easier for everyone else. It actually makes it harder. We can’t deal with your opinion and incorporate it into the plan. We can’t give you your way and enjoy watching you enjoy it. We’re stressed about trying to guess what you want, worrying that we guessed wrong and you’re pouting and mad inside. Even if we do guess right, you’ll try to refuse with, “oh, no! You shouldn’t have done that,” and take away our fun.
By pretending that you don’t care, you’re forcing everyone to pay more attention to you. Except that we don’t get to do so in a way that brings us all happiness; instead we’re nervous and slightly resentful.
Once I went to Disneyland with all my husband’s siblings. His brother was trying to drag us all off to every roller coaster in the place & leave his sister with my toddler the whole time. I love roller coasters. And his sister was the only person there who doesn’t like them. And we had a kid who couldn’t go on the coasters with us. But we didn’t bring my sister-in-law to be nanny to my kid. It was making me uncomfortable but I didn’t know what to say to shut it down; I was worried about making anyone mad at me. Finally hubby’s sister said, “No! I’m tired of babysitting. I’m going to go do XYZ all by myself since no one else wants to do it.” Off she went. Brother shrugged and went his own way. We got to take our kiddo (and ourselves) for a long overdue nap at the air-conditioned hotel.
It was my first exposure to someone just standing up for themselves & having an opinion. It was a blessed relief. I was shocked and thrilled for her to say no, to not worry that she was growing quietly resentful. It changed how I thought about speaking up for myself.
You may not like my opinion. That’s okay. But what I won’t do is put you in the position of trying to read my mind or wonder what I’m thinking. And if I didn’t tell you, I won’t hold you responsible for not guessing it right. Above all, you will know where you stand with me. Assume all is well unless you hear otherwise directly from me.
You’re welcome.
You’ll do the same for me, right?
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
If you say so.
I’ve never really had a problem speaking my mind. Actually it is quite the opposite.
Jennifer´s last blog …It’s all fun and games until your husband sets the yard on fire.
That’s awesome. It’s hard to start from a position of never saying anything until your eyes pop right out of your head from the internal pressure.
Wendy´s last blog …Speak Up!
I completely agree with you that having no opinion is another way of getting more attention. I get so tired of people telling me “whatever you want” and “I don’t care” and you know that they are enjoying your attempts at trying to make them happy…and you’re frustrated because you want their opinion and don’t want to plan something that doesn’t make them happy. I’m a much meaner person now…I figure my life is too short and I have too little time to spend on people who won’t speak up, so if, for instance, I ask where they’d like to go for lunch and they do the “oh, I don’t care, anyplace is fine,” I just pick the place. If they don’t like it, well, they should have said something.
I have a friend to thank for that, who told me a story about her uncle who was treating all his nieces and nephews to ice cream. He asked her what flavor she wanted and she told him she didn’t care; when he came back he had bought ice cream for everyone except her. When she asked where hers was, he told her, “If you don’t care enough about what you want to speak up about it, then what makes you think you’ll get anything at all?” For some reason that stuck with me…and now I don’t play the game.
Michele´s last blog …I Get By with a Little Help from My Planners
My hubby does this. Trying to pick a restaurant is maddening. Worse, he doesn’t like any of my suggestions.
And asking him for ideas for menu plans is like pulling teeth. But he’s great at complaining if he doesn’t like the meal.
The Mother´s last blog …Evolutionary Psychology is the Reason I Only Have Boys
Okay, I have to admit, I’m somewhere in the middle. Quite often, I DO say “I don’t care” about lots of stuff. That’s because I really dont’ care. Or, if I can see that someone else is really passionate about something, I will let them have their way. But, if I really want or need something, I’ll speak up and be firm about it. But that doesn’t happen very often, becuase I kinda feel like I should save those times for when I really mean it, so I am more likely to be taken seriously.
Texan Mama´s last blog …Eating Crow
This is why I would rather know your opinion! I want to let you have your own way sometimes just because I wanted to, not because I’m nervous about not making you mad! The other day hubby was trying to get my opinion about dinner out and I said, “it doesn’t matter.” He got all annoyed with me & I thought of this post. I said, “I’m tired and crabby. Not very hungry. I don’t feel like making a decision right now, but I’ll be fine with whatever you pick. I might not even eat.”
Unfortunately he was feeling the same way LOL but at least then he knew where I stood.
Wendy´s last blog …Speak Up!