This post is really for SAHMs. For you ladies who work: I don’t know how you get it all done.
Maybe it is the perception that we are ‘just at home’ or that we ‘don’t work’ or maybe it starts with us being bored and feeling unappreciated at home (or anywhere). Wherever it starts, I have seen an epidemic of Stay At Home Women who weren’t Moms or Wives or doing much of anything for their families.
My husband spends two hours a day traveling to and from his job. For the nine hours he is there, he is expected to produce something. He comes home TIRED and CRABBY and HUNGRY, every single night, without exception. Sometimes he comes home HORNY, too.
For a long time I struggled with a sense of entitlement. “I’ve been raising children!” I would argue. By this I meant that I sat on my butt with Law & Order in the background while I smiled at a baby and pretended to be playing blocks, too. I was bored. I was lonely. I was resentful. I ate my weight in chocolate every 2.7 days (which was an ever-increasing amount).
At some point it hit me.
I’m supposed to be working, too!
What does my husband see? He works hard, to the point of mental exhaustion every day – and then he comes home to…
- an ever-expanding wife with greasy hair and no makeup who is NOT in the mood, buddy!
- no dinner in sight, and no supplies to fend for yourself
- kids screaming and crying
- crap strewn everywhere
- dirty bathrooms, dirty kitchen, dirty kids, dirty everything
WOW. Would he have been better off with a full-time maid and a Russian mail-order bride for the sex? I mean, strictly from his point of view. Damn, that might have even saved him some money. It certainly would have been less trouble. What am I doing here?
And if I’m not going to contribute anything to the family here at the house, shouldn’t I go work somewhere and at least contribute some cash so we can pay people to do what I’m not willing to do?
This is my salary:
- half of everything hubby earns (a running joke here! )
- security – a home provided for me, and the means to buy the things we need; not to mention a hubby who trusts me with his entire paycheck
- love – a good man who comes home to me every night. Only women who’ve been without this seem to understand how valuable this is
- the amazing privilege of being able to spend every single day with my kiddos – all the time I can stand and then some!
- the ability to set my own schedule and do whatever the heck I want every day. The only timetable I have is that thorny problem of everyone running out of underwear. I don’t answer to anyone but myself
So what am I doing to earn this amazing paycheck? More on that tomorrow.
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If one more person asks me what I do all day… I would get bored staying at home all day… blah, blah, blah.
Elizabeth A.´s last blog …The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
I can’t tell you how many days I have where I never sit down all day long. By the end of the day my feet are killing me, even in tennis shoes. Someone asked me if I could volunteer for something & I said, “I don’t have time.” She said, “oh, do you work during the day?” I paused for a minute and then said, “yes. I take care of my family.” She smiled and said, “that’s amazing!”
Wendy´s last blog …What Are You Getting Paid For?
I don’t know how we do it either. The truth, a lot of stuff just doesn’t get done. But as long as the kids are loved and fed and (mostly) clean then I’m ok with that….. or at least I try to be.
Jennifer´s last blog …Don’t Mess with Santa
I think you should be totally okay with that, Jennifer. It’s more than I would manage.
My stock answer: I sit on the sofa eating Bon-Bons and watching the soaps.
The problem with that answer: I don’t know what a Bon-Bon is and I hate drama. Now how am I going to earn all that “money”? Can’t wait to hear how you earn yours.
Robinella´s last blog …It hit me hard, real hard.
You’re already schooling your kiddos, too! I think you’ve got it covered!
Wendy´s last blog …What Are You Getting Paid For?
On one hand I’ve seen women with 3 or 4 kids who have nannies, cleaning ladies and squeeze in some high falutin volunteer work between tennis, meeting with decorators and mani/pedis. Their kids are growing in to spoiled rotten holy terrors. People seem to go a little overboard praising their ability to multi-task and “juggle”. On the other there are moms loving their children, even when it sucks, the house is a mess, they are a mess etc…with undeserved self esteem issues… struggling to make ends meet and always thinking they should go to work and do something to help the fam monetarily. And then, last but not least, everything in between – which is where most of us fall, with our egos, addictions, and different values. Society needs to take a close look at itself, which no one ever wants to do, before they start undervaluing the importance of the work of a truly loving mother – and perhaps redefine “success” and “value” – I’ve always had a hard time with women not respecting each other women’s decisions in regards to this, and being ridiculously judgemental
(I look forward to your next post!)
Margo´s last blog …Climbing the Stairway to Disco Fire
If I sound judgmental at any point, let me know – because that isn’t my intention. I think 90% of the moms who stay at home and become truly neglectful do so because they have convinced themselves that what they’re doing has no value. They either get depressed or go chasing after things that mean nothing while their kids suffer. I don’t tend to see this from the working moms I know – maybe because they understand the cost of every minute they spend working, so they don’t throw away the time they have left (or they’re less likely to).
you don’t sound judgmental here! I think that’s very sad when women convince themselves that what they do has no value – and even sadder when they neglect their family. I went to work part time outside the home several years ago, when it seemed to suit our dynamic… and I really needed to get out of the house. Once my oldest hit adolescence, I felt I needed to be home again.
If I actually had a paying job, I have no idea how I’d get my real work done.
The Mother´s last blog …Volcanic Eruptions
Hahahahahahaha exactly.
Well said, Mother. Well said.
Elizabeth A.´s last blog …The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
Oh my word, did you husband hijack your blog and type this under the pen of YOU?
I mean, I appreciate what I’ve got, but I think it’s always been like a dirty little secret. Like, if I let anyone in on how blessed I know I am, then they’ll look at me as spoiled or lazy or whatever.
I had a friend once who knew a lady at her church. She said (about this lady), “The only surface in her house that isn’t covered with dust is her bible.”
Now THAT is the type of housekeeper I want to become. Priorities in the right place. Move over Martha, I wanna be Mary. But I’m so not there yet.
Texan Mama´s last blog …Do The Right Thing
LOL. Nope it’s me. XD
Yep – I’m finally feeling better & might have time today (fingers crossed) to finish up a 2nd post on this topic – which will explain better. It’s not about whether your house is always dusted!
Wendy´s last blog …Interruptus Caninis
Haven’t you heard? Moms get “paid” in hugs and kisses. Although sometimes I get “paid” in screaming and gnashing of teeth. I need to talk to the supervisor about that.
I think one’s satisfaction comes from the effort one puts into the task. I frequently thank God that I can stay home with the kids. I do think they benefit from that. Now I don’t mean to step on toes here.
I truly believe that women need to support other women in the choices they make. Staying at home is not for everyone. Sometimes the best thing is for both parents to work.
The trick is making the time you do have count.
cardiogirl´s last blog …We had no deal, just remember that
Yep – you’re a good SAHM. I started writing this (and will get back to it when the blinding nausea goes away!) because I’m seeing so many SAHMs who completely neglect their families. To the point that everyone would be better off if they just went to work, even.
Wendy´s last blog …Interruptus Caninis
Wendy–This post made me want to stand in my chair and jump up and down and cheer. However, that would have disturbed the children far more than I’ve already managed to disturb them today, so I’ll save it for later.
I agree…there are a lot of SAHMs who appear to do nothing but watch TV all day. They certainly don’t take a shower, judging on how they look when I see them at school or at the grocery store or at a child’s birthday party. Their house is a wreck. Dinner consists primarily of take-out. Now, none of these things are all that bad if the kids are well cared for and nurtured and disciplined…but when the kids have never heard the word “No!” and are not getting their homework finished and are disrespectful little brats, well, I wouldn’t call that mother a SAHM. I’d call her lazy.
My mother was one of these, except she did discipline us to the point of physical and mental abuse, mostly because she didn’t want to be bothered with kids. She would stay in her pajamas most of the day. Her idea of “cleaning” was to spray Pine Sol all over everything so my father would smell the cleaner and supposedly believe she worked all day. Never mind the fact that most of the house looked like a cyclone hit it, except when mom beat her kids into cleaning it for her.
I think most SAHMs are hard-working and under-appreciated. That does not give them the right to gripe and complain that they worked all day, too, and now it’s time for the husband to kick in his “fair share.” Well, first off, life is not fair. Second, a SAHM’s job is the home, and it is not a 9-5 situation.
I don’t believe that my husband is the leader of our home or that my sole existence is to serve him. I do believe that, as the manager of my home, the house should be picked up and relatively clean, with a hot meal waiting for ALL of us when he gets home. And, yes, I brush my hair and teeth before he gets here. I do so out of love and respect and gratefulness. He earns the money to support our family, and I maintain the assets for the family. I consider this a very equitable situation, so take that, you feminazis who think I am letting my husband take advantage of me and am throwing my life away by staying home and not getting out into the workplace and taking every opportunity to ignore and put down men.
Sorry…I get a little passionate about these things sometimes!
Wow, that is a great response, Michelle!
I totally agree – my job isn’t 9-to-5. I take breaks and do fun things in the middle of my day, because I know that I don’t kick my feet up at 5 p.m. At that time of day we’re cooking dinner, doing homework, cleaning up, rushing to get into the bathtub and kids in bed on time… if I thought I was supposed to stop at 5 p.m., we would fall all apart. Hubby gets to relax then – I take mine earlier in the day. Every great now & then we get to relax together, LOL – usually after the kids are in bed.
This whole thing has been percolating in my head for a long time. It’s going to take more than one post, I decided.
Wendy´s last blog …Interruptus Caninis
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